This is a recap of an “actual” conversation that was overheard this weekend outside the elevators at Foxwoods Resort & Casino. We here at CasinoGuyReviews.com do not condone violence unless a scenario plays out exactly like the one below.
Random, handsome man #1: “Officer, I would like to confess to a crime.”
Totally not made up tribal police officer: “Okay sir. What would you like to confess to?”
RHM1: “There was a crime committed against me earlier today and I retaliated in a measured and completely justified way.”
TPO: “Sir, I am confused. Did you commit a crime? You just said a crime was committed against you”.
RHM1 (getting visibly agitated): “Well I was trying to get in a few quick hands of 3 Card Poker in the Cedar and I prefer to play heads-up against the dealer so I sat at an open table.”
TPO (nodding, but obviously openly questioning his life decisions that led him to this point): “Go on.”
RHM1 (with a protruding vein on his forehead signifying a raise in blood pressure): “So as soon as I sat down in first base, some fucking – oh, I am sorry for cursing – but this fucking hipster douche sits down immediately. I swear to god he was just waiting to sit down at the table when there was more than just him because he was too much of a pussy to play his $80 heads up”.
TPO: “Sir you mentioned a crime…”
RHM1 (cutting off the officer): “Yeah I am getting there. So he sits down and wins his first couple hands and had a running fucking commentary the whole time like “thank god I sat down” or “this table is pretty hot”. Like shut up douche, you just won $20. Then he gets cocky and plays a second hand. What happens on that second hand? Nothing, but it was enough for the dealer to qualify.”
TPO: “I am very busy mister…”
REDACTED, I have a lot to do. Can you get to the point?”
RHM1: “Well the dealer did qualify on that hand but KICKED ALL OUR ASSES. If he just left well enough alone, we all would have won. At this point, I am getting throttled and this made it worse.”
TPO: “I do feel bad for you sir, but I am waiting for some confession.”
RHM1: “I swear I am getting there. SO as you can see, I am not a small dude. I like my space. So I tend to sit on tables that are pretty empty and sit in spots that have some healthy elbow room. So I am playing the first base hand but sitting in the second base seat. (RHM1 is pausing and nodding approvingly waiting for TPO to finish his sentence).
RHM1: “Well this bag of dicks who looked like Doctor Strange’s buddy wedges his stinky ass between me and the fat guy at the table next to me to steal my cards in first base!!!”
TPO: “Sir, did you say anything to this gentleman?”
RHM1: “No. That would been some conflict and I hate conflict unless I am at least 9 beers deep.”
TPO (checking his watch): “Please sir, wrap it up.”
RHM1: “But get this, he steals my cards by stealing my position…and then he proceeds to play ONLY the pair plus for $5, the table minimum!!!!! AAAAAAANNNNNDDDD, even though he was playing the pair plus, he still picked up his cards and slowly spread the cards one at a time to reveal only a C-hair of the card to add to his suspense. Hey asshole, there is nothing for you to do! Just put the cards down and stop slowing down the hand!”
TPO: “Did you call this man an asshole sir?”
RHM1: “No bruh, I am not an animal. Like I said, I was getting throttled. I hit no good hands on the pair plus – not a one. And wouldn’t you know it, fuckstick hits a flush on his third hand winning a whopping $15. I would have won HUNDREDS on that hand. Fucking hundreds. That is when the crime occurred.”
TPO (now clearly paying attention): “Ok sir, tell me exactly what you did.”
RHM1: “At that point I was so furious that Wong the Wizard took my hand, I slammed his head off the table and whipped out my light saber and cut off his arm.”
TPO (shaking his head in disbelief): “Sir, light sabers are not real. Did this actually happen as you are describing it?”
RHM1: “Well yeah. I mean, not ACTUALLY happen. But I thought about it in my brain and my daydream was pretty graphic.”
TPO walks away in pure disgust, seemingly walking to HR to immediately give his notice.
RHM1: “Officer?!?! Officer!!!!