Sometimes when the itch needs to be scratched, Casino Guy likes to head out on a little excursion known as a loop.  It’s a chew and screw mission to hit as many places in as little amount of time because I am a glutton for jamming too much shit into my trips.  Golf, concerts, games, lap da….laparoscopic surgeries, you name it.  We are doing it.  This was one such trip.  These are the abridged versions of full reviews.  Hope you enjoy….

River Casino

3000 South River Road, Des Plaines, IL 60018

This loop has gone from bad to worse.  The last stop, Hollywood Casino in Aurora, was “behind-the-dumpster-dry-handy-from-the-local-crackhead” level bad.  At first, you are thinking how bad could it be?  Once you are in it, you realize it hurts more than you expected, it burns when you are done and you have stank on you for the rest of the day.

Haunting

It put me in such a funk, I went out of order and went to stop 5 instead of stop 4 throwing a major wrench into the next days plans.  With that said, we braved the traffic and hit the newest of the Chicago area spots.  Will the “new” guy be the best guy, or just another crackhead who is in desperate need of the Jergens.   Let’s find out….rapid review style!

• Getting There – Traffic, traffic, traffic…that’s what Chicagoland does!!!  It probably would not have been that bad  had we gone in the right order.  Fucking Hollywood Aurora.  With that said, plenty of signs dropped in between Brian Urlacher’s fresh lettuce billboards get you home pretty easily.  Tucked into a commercial area on the outskirts of O’Hare, you can’t ask for a more convenient spot especially if you were going to a concert at the Rosemont Arena (would have been nice to go in order so we could have taken advantage of that convenience – story for another time).
• Look and Feel – It looked like a newer casino, even though it is about 8 years old.  There was nothing about this place that said it was that old.  It felt very fresh.  It seemed like all the tables and machines has this soothing blue lighting which was very unique.  Lots of cool lighting and shitty carpet (would you expect anything less) made this the leader in the clubhouse so far.
• Gaming Options –  All the classics.  The 21+3 and Top 3 side wagers on Blackjack never hit for me.  NEVER.  Take my money anyway because I am an addict and I can’t stop playing them.  They also have the Fire bet in Craps.  If a shooter gets hot, this is a fun little side game that I don’t remember seeing at the other spots on this trip.
• Clientele – This was an interesting aspect of Rivers.  With the airport so close, you had lots of travelers staying close.  You also had lots of locals given the convenience of getting here.  With all said, there were no real characters like the other places except for one little Asian lady who never sat at a table for more than 3 hands in a row and made sure to piss off everyone she sat next to.  This paratrooper made her way through half the tables in the whole place.  These are the type of assholes that should be locked up and abused with many blunt objects.
• Bathrooms – I have to admit, these were pretty nice but there inordinate amount of stuff around (water on the counters, paper on the floor, three wet floor signs around the urinals) that made the bathrooms feel cluttered.  AND there was a guy murdering the first stall making quite a production of out it too.  Left me with a bad taste in my mouth, figuratively speaking of course.  Spoiler – eating shit is probably gross.

• Service – My buddy Sugar once again got the life story of the bartender in the short amount of time my teeth were being kicked down my throat at the tables.  “Pam” had 1st grader who played hockey.  She was going back to school.  She just bought a new car.  The bartender she just replaced was awful at keeping things in order.  Through all of this, Good Ole Sugar was many drinks deep (I left him alone for 12 minutes for fuck sake).  Long story short, Pam was a perfect example of everyone working at this place.  Quick and friendly.
• Grub & Liquid Courage – Pam had my consolation prize on the bar, cold and ready when I showed up.  I then tried to throw a wrinkle into her mix and ordered a Black Toothed Grin (shout out the greatest metal guitarist Dimebag Darrell of Pantera who made the drink famous – RIP) and she not only knew it but brought the thunder with with her pour.  Bravo Pam.  The quickest way to a high Casino Guy Review is through his liver.

• Overall – Goddammit.  I mean it was fine.  It was newer.  It had cool lighting, nice people and all that jazz but I CAN’T BUY A WINNING STREAK TO SAVE MY PATHETIC GAMBLING LIFE.  Okay that felt better.  With that said, I really liked it.

Official Casino Guy Rating: Trip Eights.  You can stack this up against a lot of places and it will win.  You won’t beat a monster but it can hold it’s own against any local gambling joint.

EXTRA STORY: That night we went to a Blackhawks vs. Sabres game at the United Center.  First off, what a barn.  That place rocks from start to finish.  Thanks to SeatGeek for the awesome seats -1st row balcony behind the net – and thanks to Bartstool’s Big Cat for the like.  Even with his glowing endorsement, we didn’t rebound with the big 50/50 win.

@BarstoolBigCat. Just got my ass handed to me at Rivers, Harrah’s and both Hollywood’s. We need this one buddy. pic.twitter.com/Vf5s9lZ6am

— Casino Guy (@CasinoGuyReview) March 8, 2019

MOM, WE MADE IT!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for Part 5 of The West of Chicago Loop:

1. Harrah’s Joliet
2. Hollywood Casino Joliet
3. Hollywood Casino Aurora
4. Grand Victoria Elgin
5. Rivers Casino Des Plaines

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