Resorts Casino Hotel – Atlantic City, NJ

Yes, I took this picture. No big deal.

1133 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ 08401

Did you ever have an ex that wasn’t the prettiest, wasn’t the nicest, didn’t have the best personality or have a great body….but they had one thing that kept you coming back like Tyrone Biggums at the free crack give-away?

I mean, there is no secret around town what you were doing with them. Your friends, family, teachers, cops, the guy at the toll booth…they all knew. You have needs and they have what you need – which is obviously an air hockey table….(dude, my mom reads this shit. Roll with me here.). For me, this is the Resorts in Atlantic City.

Opened in 1978, it was the first legal casino outside of Nevada in the United States. A few renovations and expansions later, Resorts still sits on the ever changing Boardwalk in Atlantic City and, depending on who you believe, is doing really well. Does Resorts give the best blo…..errr have the best air hockey tables in town or is it just another dead man walking at the north end of the Boardwalk? Let’s find out….

Getting There

Once servicing a mighty entertainment destination on the east coast, the AC International Airport used to buzz. Not so much anymore. Your best bet is to fly to Philly, rent a car and make the hour and ten minute long drive (one hour in the car, another 10 minutes getting sandwiches at Wawa) to the New Jersey coast.

Ok, that made it move.

It’s an okay drive with one caveat. Have you ever been on the NJ Turnpike or the AC Expressway? Better question…have you been on the NJ Turnpike or the AC Expressway without an EZ Pass? Whatever you do, drive from New York/New England/DMV, grab your EZ Pass and thank your lucky stars you aren’t one of those saps who are sitting in line paying one of the 15 tolls on your way to making some questionable life choices.

We have all heard stories about Atlantic City. If you haven’t, where the hell have you been? Things like this or this probably won’t make the Chamber of Commerce’s sizzle reel. But the inspiration for the boardgame Monopoly can’t be that bad right? Sure there are parts of AC that make the neighborhoods from “The Wire” look like a Sandals resort. Sure there are parts of AC that remind of you of some scenes out of “Training Day”. However, things are looking up for the town. And it’s not like you are going to open a bed and breakfast off Baltic Ave anyway. Just drive, lock the doors and keep your head down.

When you finally get there, the parking garage is something you won’t forget and not in a good way. I will just say this:

• If you have a wide vehicle, find some place else to park
• If you have a fear of heights, close your eyes on that initial ramp
• If you are claustrophobic, do not take the elevator
• If you have to take the stairs and touch the railing, have antibiotics and a tetanus shot ready to go

That is all.

Look and Feel

Like that ex, it’s not pretty. It’s fine. A lot of the Resorts common areas are a bit of a blast from the past, when the Trump Plaza and Taj Mahal set a trend on the Boardwalk that, let’s just say, wouldn’t fly today unless you were a Sultan or had PGAD from metamorphic materials.

Don’t judge, paraphilias are everywhere. (I will wait while you Google all the knowledge I just dropped on you). The Resorts does feel dated in some areas. A lot of the rooms have had a bit of a makeover in the past few years. The lobby, hallways and outskirts of the casino floor are in need of some updates. On the other hand, maybe they don’t. The Hard Rock opened to a bit of a new look than what the Taj offered. Ocean Resort has a trendy look and feel to it. Maybe Resorts is the tribute to those good ole days where everything had gaudy trim, white marble, big chandeliers and crazy carpet. Without Resorts, AC would be missing that hat tip to it’s roots. Just like the ex where knob…..AIR HOCKEY GAMES were the only thing that mattered, the only thing that matters here is the substance, not the style.

Gaming Options

You can find anything here. The slots are right on top of each other as soon as you get out of the garage or a few steps from the elevators to the hotel towers. They also have some machines really close to the Boardwalk entrance that always make me feel sad for those folks playing there. Maybe its because there’s no cover so anyone walking in can see your butt crack clear as day. Maybe it’s because the games stink. I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.

The table game pits are set-up in long rows that if you take a wrong turn, you will be walking a little bit to get to your destination. Just like every place in AC, they have the staples. What they don’t have in abundance like other places in town are single or double deck blackjack, Mississippi Stud (which I think debuted in AC – well the first time I played it was in AC so I am calling this a fact) or Flush Rush (same statement as Mississippi Stud).

There are so many variations of blackjack here, it’s almost comical. The important thing is that they have Match the Dealer (oh yeah, click on it…). Their High Limit area has affordable Blackjack and other other games if you are looking for a little more private affair and you don’t want to deal with unwashed. I highly recommend it on a weekend especially if you want to get in a lot of hands in a short amount of time. The only thing you need to look out for is the guy who had three tables reserved for himself. If one shoe would go cold, he would just pick his shit up and move over. And move again. And again. And again. Here I am thinking I am the Big Swinging Dick of the place but this Leslie Chow knock off and his micropenis had other thoughts. This was his house and no one could play in it. (Serious note here, this guy tossed around enough per hand to justify shutting down three full tables on a Friday night by himself. Using a highly scientific algorithm to estimate how much he was putting in play per hour, I concluded it was a fuck ton. Back to the review.)

Clientele

I have so many stories about this place, and a lot of them center around some of the absolute characters you meet when you are gambling in AC. At Resorts, you get a different crowd than you would over at the places in the Marina. You get a different crowd than you would at the Hard Rock or at Caesars. They aren’t better or worse, they are different. Lots of the Salt of the Earth folks. Lots of the “I am here for a bachelorette party but I didn’t want to pay Borgata prices” folks. Lots of “they keep giving me free rooms and match play, why would I go anywhere else?” folks (ding ding ding….you got me). It’s a fine line between the common man and “get away from me man” type crowd and I love it. It makes for tremendous theater late night.

Pull up a chair and get your popcorn ready.

Bathrooms

White marble. It’s everywhere. It’s also pretty difficult to keep COMPLETELY clean looking after many years.  The common area bathrooms deserve to be redone.  They aren’t crime scene dirty but they aren’t “Hey, I trust that if I put my sunglasses case down on this counter, that my sunglasses case won’t catch Herpes Simplex 10” clean.

The bathrooms in the restaurants and the rooms are fine.  I never like trashing the ex that brought me so much pleasure (in terms of entertaining air hockey of course) but it’s time for her to push away from the dinner table/toss that outfit in the trash/update the bathrooms.  (Not gonna lie, this running analogy is bringing back a lot of memories.  Lots-o-memories.)

Service

I mean, this is where she shines.  She works hard to make sure you have the best time.  She has honed her craft to the stuff of legend.  No matter what you want to do, you can do it.  No matter what time or how tired or weary or messy or under the weather, you can get what you need.  There is a reason why she is famous for satisfaction (click on it, you know you want to).  It takes true dedication to get that golf ball through a garden ho…errr..wait.  Let’s start over.  It takes true dedication to get all those awards year after year (phew…back on track).  I can personally attest this is one of the main reasons to keep coming back.  Service with a smile at all levels of the organization.

Grub & Liquid Courage

The difference between this place before the LandShark went in versus after the LandShark went in is night and day.  Resorts has done a fantastic job of offering plenty of options to eat and drink throughout the property.  Margaritaville and LandShark are great for casual dining.  Gallagher’s is a solid high end steak joint.  If you want sushi or Italian, Resorts has very good options for you.

The booze.  Oh the booze.  Plenty of available options.  Very fast servers at the tables who can get you just about anything.  My favorite is actually not at the tables but the buckets of beers outside at the LandShark overlooking the ocean.  Maybe its the scenery or the challenge of finishing a bucket of beers by yourself before your ice melts…in either event, it’s my scene baby.

Overall

Freddy Mercury once said (and I paraphrase):

I am just a gambling man*
Across the wire, across the land
I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way, hey
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them dirty ladies every time

Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go ’round

I have been to so many places, it hurts to think about it.  I have seen every new sparkly place that pops up and every old hag that’s been around the block once or twice. Resorts AC is exactly what you want and need it to be.  When you send that “You up?” late night text, you immediately get the response you come to expect plus you already know the outcome – Good times man.  Good.  Times.  Get your self someone who loves to treat you like the Resorts treats me and you will not be disappointed.

In all seriousness, Resorts keeps chugging along in the face of adversity and changing competitive landscape.  If you are looking for the open collared Massimo Dutti shirt, high end suites and bottle service crowd, this is not your spot.  It’s simpler and realer than that at Resorts and that’s why it works.

Official Casino Guy Rating:  King High Flush – She treated you well.  You had your highs and lows but in the end, she gave you what you needed when you needed it.  She didn’t blow your socks off but she blew enough to beat most hands on the board and you are VERY biased because of that.

Thank god that analogy is over.  Now I have to go find someone to play some air hockey with or get ready for a solo game….

*Yes, Lyric Police, I changed that line.