It’s pretty simple really. In a game of chance when the difference between winning and losing is so slim, you want to do anything you can to keep those odds tipped in your favor. In the game of Blackjack, there is a certain way to play to keep that house edge under 1%. Needless to say, the bag of dicks I played next to the other day did not believe in this concept.

After making some questionable decisions for the better part of a shoe,

this Russ Langmore-looking muthaf’er (shout out Ozark) in first base, took off for another table after getting spanked around for while. I thought, “Sweet…one more dickhead to go and I can play heads up against the dealer”.

Well that didn’t happen. First, the other guy at the table, nice enough gent who was ripping butts like he was being timed, went on a little run and stuck around. Secondly, Frankie Carbone shows up with the sunny disposition of a death row inmate. I swear to God he had that very coat that Frozen Frankie is wearing in that picture right there. Finally, Russ comes back with a fresh set of green chips he can’t afford to lose. The next hand may get a CGR Hall of Fame nomination….

Here is what went down: Russ, who is rocking a pretty nice pair of man boobs with a tight-assed grey Tshirt, is dealt a pair of sevens with the dealer showing a King. Basic strategy says to hit. I would hit. My mother-in-law’s new puppy knows you should hit. This MENSA member splits his sevens. Splits. Sevens.

After splitting, he gets a 9 on his first hand making the always formidable 16. Tits McGee stays.

Then on Russ’ second hand, he is dealt another seven. Shit if you just split the first pair of sevens, you are most certainly going to split this next one as you have to have some transcendental insight that is on another plane of existence than the one us peasants are on. Oh, boy did he ever have a strategy on another level. In a move that delivered shock and awe usually reserved for the partners of Peter North or Jake Chase (Naughty Allie for the win), Russ stays on 14. Against a dealer King. 14. FOURTEEN. Yikes.

The rest of the cards around the table didn’t matter. I am pretty sure I won with a 20 versus a dealer 19. I think the rest of the table took a beating along with Russ.

I’m not one for conflict, Casino Guy is more of a lover than a fighter. But my brain broke from this moron and I actually said out loud to no one in particular, “That was the single worst play I have seen in a million hands of blackjack.” I think that’s a pretty fair and not at all exaggerated take on the matter. I colored up and ran to a high limit table across the way.

No more than 10 minutes later, Frankie and Russ are still digging into their pockets and giving money away at that same table when the other guy, remember Speedy McMarlboro Man, says loud enough to cause a stir “You, sir, are an idiot”. Christ-all-mighty I can only imagine what play Russ’ man boobs made to get this mild mannered fella to snap.

Congrats Russ. You, your beard and your rack will always hold a special place in my broken brain.