Some stories just need to be told. Some need to be locked away in the vault forever. Come and take a trip down memory lane with us. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty. If you have a story, send it to us here. Enjoy some of the ridiculousness out of years of ridiculousness.
“You know what going on here?” – Told by Wingman #1 – Joe D.
Every group of friends have those folks who fill certain roles when you go out. You can bank on the late guy, the guy that drinks too much, the guy who relentlessly hits on girls who are way out of his league or the guy that looses his debit card/jacket/cell phone just to name a few. Luckily for me, all these roles and then some are represented in my group of friends when we go out. Sometime’s more than one role can be bundled into one guy.
In this case, we were in Las Vegas for the cliched milestone birthday party. We had guys flying in on different days and on different airlines. The role of cheap guy was filled by Tim #1. He flew a discount airline with a less than stellar reputation which we will call ‘Spinach Airlines”. Well Spinach cancelled Tim’s flight the first day. You put your trip’s life at risk when you book on Spinach, all for saving $200 versus JetBlue.
Not only was Tim the cheap guy, he also filled the role of the late guy. He missed day one and then arrived 4 hours after he was supposed to on Day 2. When Tim finally got there, everyone else was sideways, filling the roles of overly drunk guy swimmingly. You cannot sit at the poolside cabana in 110 degree heat gassing Miami Vice’s and Bud Light tall boys and expect to not have some repercussions. Tim had some catching up to do so every chance we got we were feeding Tim drinks. We were in the lobby of Harrah’s on the strip waiting for someone to grab Tim some big beers to slug while we walk to the next spot. What could possibly go wrong waiting to buy a few 25oz beers?
Well, Casino Guy was pacing back and forth like a caged animal, presumably anxious to get back to getting his ass kicked at the tables. Two other guys just vanished. I didn’t notice when but Paul and Tim #1 and Tim #2 were joined by a lovely Irish lass with a tight, bright green dress.
I know what is old is new again when it comes to fashion. And like me and most of the others in our group, Tim #1 hasn’t missed many meals. However, he also missed the memo to leave the 1980s outfit at home (I mean he wore a Members Only jacket. In the desert. In the spring. Are you fucking kidding? SQUID!).
Anyway, as I walk over, this taller version of Emma Stone is laying it on thick with the Vegas newbie and sober guy Tim #1. She laughed at everything he said. I overheard her tell him how smart he was (he must have been spitting some serious game her way if she threw a smart comment in). She then says he was the hottest guy she had seen all night **record scratch** and that’s when I knew something was up. Look it’s not that Tim is bad looking guy, but again, I draw your attention to that goddamn jacket. No woman in their right mind would call a guy in that jacket handsome or appealing, let alone the hottest guy on the strip, if she wasn’t high on bath salts (she had not tried to eat Paul’s face off so that was out) or not “working”.
Emma then says to Tim, “hey, you want to get out of here and have some fun?” Cheap/Late/Sober/Bad-jacket Guy Tim says, “well I am waiting for a few beers. Aren’t you here with your friends?” I have to say, watching him be this nice and not know how to say “no” to this Lady was heartwarming. Emma also looked perplexed. Tim thought he was just the cat’s meow being hit on within minutes of arriving on the scene. “Sweetie, I am not hanging out with anyone. I want to hang with you.” At this point, the two guys who previously vanished showed up to witness this train wreck. They immediately know what the deal is here and ask Emma, “what exactly do you mean by hang out?” Tim then tries to transition into some other bullshit small talk when Emma abruptly interrupts and asks, “You know what’s going on here, right?” Tim was taken aback by the question but he was trying to play it cool. “Oh yeah, well thank you, um but I am going to have to pass” and shows her his left ring finger. Tim then took home the lifetime achievement award for the politest decline of a prostitute in the history of Clark County. Emma pats Tim on the shoulder and takes off looking for the next fish in the barrel. If she stuck around for just 30 more seconds, I think I overhead the two previously vanished dudes strategizing on how to ask Emma for the price for an Eiffel Tower. That would have been another installment of “Storytime” all together…Yikes!
For a solid 6 and a half minutes, Tim was the Belle of the Ball. He was Ned Flanders being courted by Jessica Rabbit. In reality, he was just another guy filling the role of the mark to this lady of the night. God Speed fake Emma Stone. We hope you met your quota of Benjamins and Richards* that night. Sorry we slowed you down with that guy who played role of Cheap/Late/Sober/Small town, naive, suburbanite so perfectly. Give that man an Emmy!
*See what I did there, I made a dick joke without saying the word dick. Pretty clever if you ask me.