This is a guest post by Wing Woman #1.  As you may know, she has tagged along “willingly and happily”  on many a gambling trip and she has a few things to get off her wonderful chest.  I will drop in occasionally to make sure you get the unbiased, quality analysis you come to expect from CasinoGuyReviews.com!

Tiverton Casino Hotel – Tiverton, RI (a.k.a. Twin River Tiverton

777 Tiverton Casino Boulevard, Tiverton, RI 02878

Marry a degenerate gambler they said.  It will be fun they said.  Liars!!  I’ll bet the 10 of you readers out there can guess where I spent my 13th wedding anniversary.  Wait for it….that’s right, a casino!  But not just any casino.  No, no, no.  This is our anniversary after all.  Casino Guy told me there was a new place in Newport, RI.  Apparently the idea of gambling somewhat adjacent to the beach, cool bars and shopping was supposed to be a selling feature.  Go to Newport, get a good meal, maybe a Stoli Ras and Sprite and some shopping in then sure, we can sprinkle in some gambling.  Hey Magellan, Tiverton is not Newport.  It’s really not.

Listen, being married to a gambler does have some advantages.  Like when the 5th J Crew package of the week shows up on our door step I can say, “hey didn’t you lose 5 time what I just spent playing blackjack Saturday.  Yeah, that’s what I thought.”  Another perk is that much needed alone time.  Ladies,  you know what I’m talking about.  That precious time after Casino Junior 1 and 2 are tucked sweetly in the beds, remote in one hand, adult beverage in the other, and you sit for 45 minutes (max) of relaxing bliss before you pass out from exhaustion.  As Tupac said: I did not choose this life.  This life chose me.  Oh wait, we have to do this review thing.  Whatever, here it goes….

Getting there

Tiverton Casino was a brand new facility, merely a few weeks old.  All the roads were new, right off the rotary (yes, it’s New England.  Rotaries are EVERYWHERE!) and near major highways.  Sounds exciting right?  Who doesn’t like checking out brand new places.  Even ones not actually IN beautiful Newport.  A very cool, non-confusing parking garage was actually under the casino.  Casino Guy says it looks nice inside, bright and clean.  And that’s about where the bright spots end for this chick.

OK, full disclosure.  I did make it seem like we were going to be in Newport for the entire evening out.  Hand up, this one is on me.  It should not be held against Tiverton.  Getting there from Newport, or anywhere in area is as easy pie.

Look and Feel

It’s new and shiny.  What more do you want from me?

I will take it from here on this.  Tiverton was nice.  Driving up you can tell it’s new.  Once inside cool lighting and bright walls catch your eye right off but the thing that got me were the exposed wood beams on the ceiling.  I am pretty sure they provide no value to the structural integrity of the structure however they looked fresh as F.  And anytime you can get a light colored arm rests on the tables, you are styling in my book.  Tan was a nice touch. 

Finally, surrounding the gaming floor had all you standard things – bars, the cage, bathrooms, etc.  Could have used some better signage.  A lot of shit looked the same.  Cool designs just confusing designs.  If you don’t follow, go see it for yourself.  Back to Mrs. Sunshine.

Gaming Options

The place was really crowded being a Friday night.  All the tables were full – but I did notice there were only a couple options if you didn’t want to play blackjack or craps. 

We make our way through the table games and find a group of 4 tables waiting to be opened up.  Great, empty tables all to ourselves.  What could go wrong?  We strike up a conversation with the dealer while we wait for the pit boss to open the table.  “W” (CG note: this guy’s name is redacted to protect the innocent) was friendly enough, making pleasant small talk including telling us he went through an extensive 3 month training program to become a black jack dealer.  Impressive right?  I mean it’s shuffling cards and counting.  This guy must be phenomenal!  He tells us it should only be a few more minutes before we can start the action. 

Casino Guy has the revelation to ask for the table limit to raised to $50 keep the riffraff away.  Lot’s of back and forth with the suits and they agree to bump the table up to a $25.  Much like Vivian in the first scene of Pretty Woman, I just wanna get in and outta there.  So this delay is quite the buzz kill.  We soon realized what a few minutes was code for, and that was that “W” had no clue how long this would take, so we move along to get some hands in.

We sit at a low limit table with the 18 year old commoners.  This is not ideal when you’re trying to put the kid’s daycare payment in play .  But what choice did we have?  Things don’t go well for Casino Guy and he abruptly storms off because of the Bro’s playing in Third Base – back to “W” and his still not open table.  I’m doing alright so I continue on.  However, not long after being abandoned by Casino Guy, I get into an altercation with the gentleman next to me who clearly didn’t know the “rules”. He gave a frustrated sigh and head shake when I hit on 16 against an 8.  I busted and he ended up hitting 21.  I let him know what I thought of his opinion and went on my way.

Not a whole lot of a review there my lady…but there were limited options for a Friday.  The fact that there was a pit NOT open on a weekend is a HUGE miss on their part.  Talking with some pit boss and dealer friends from their sister property Twin River in Lincoln, RI, Tiverton didn’t have the initial experienced staff numbers they hoped for.  This will come in to play later.

Clientele

I don’t like people.  I don’t like gamblers.  I really don’t like douchebags.  This place had them all in spades.

Yikes – that’s my little ray of sunshine for ya.  There were a lot of kids there who simply don’t have the same outlook on life as a grizzled veteran like myself or Wing Woman #1.  Some of the neighboring towns in Massachusetts are known for their tough customers but on this night there was none of that.  The place was filled with 1) a lot of folks looking for a good time and 2) some folks who took their “status” in life a little too seriously – the aforementioned douchebag.

Bathrooms

Really, this is what Casino Guy writes about?  No wonder he get’s less traffic than a one way street leading off a cliff – BAZINGA!

Shots fired!  Oh well.  The bathroom was good.  I did not spend a lot of time but nice and clean, no glaring design flaws, nothing that made you say, “WTF was that?” like MGM Springfield.

Service

Back over to see “W” I go. Now a solid 30 minutes later and the table has still not opened.  “W” is in the process of “shuffling” the pre-shuffled 6 decks of cards.   Why the air quotes you ask?  In my 41 years, never have I experienced shuffling like this before.  It was taking small piles of cards and jamming them together and hoping for the best.  You wanted to look away because it was so embarrassing yet you had to keep watching because you knew you’d never experience this again.  Labor and delivery of Casino Junior 2 took less time.  And “W” definitely broke more of a sweat than I did.  After 15 short minutes, a child was born, uhh I mean the cards were shuffled.  He completely butchers the transition of cards into the shoe, but we move on.  Alright let the fun begin!

Four of us are playing but it’s a full table – Casino Guy is in the first spot and two bit characters from The Departed are playing on the other side. 

We should get through this shoe in no time.  Vivian can see herself back on her corner on Hollywood Boulevard within the hour!  Then “W” asks Vivian, “How much for the whole night?” because we are not going anywhere!!!   This guy dealt cards like an infant taking his first steps – slow and shaky.  One slow card after the next came sloppily out of the shoe. 

This poor guy got super nervous really fast.  The amount the table was collectively playing for also shook this man to his core.  He made Michael J. Fox look like marble statue.

Turned out counting wasn’t “W’s” strong suit either.  He’d call 16, Casino Guy would mutter (correctly) under his breath “15” and “W” would correct himself.  He’d call 13, Casino Guy would mutter “14” and “W” would revise.  It was hilarious.  Did I mention the 3 months of training?  What skills have you learned in 12 weeks??? Maybe playing the piano, or shooting pool, or learning a foreign language.  Surely you could learn to shuffle and count in 12 weeks right?  I’m sure “W” has lots of amazing qualities.  Black jack dealing ain’t one. 

We all love conjecture and exaggerations.  But I can say this next thing with the utmost confidence.  While “W” was dealing the slowest and most incorrect game a blackjack of all time, over on the table next to us something happened that I have NEVER seen.  Picture this – packed table, people standing 2 deep watching their buddies play, hooting and hollering and having a good time.  The dealer, Jackie Chan’s brother Matty Chan, attempts to transfer his freshly shuffled six decks into the shoe when WOOOOPS, all six decks pop out of his hands and hit the floor.  Actually sounds like someone dropped a couple glasses.  Matty Chan’s reaction was priceless. 

His hands go to his head and he makes a sound which can only described as a high pitched “Wuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh”.  I plugged that into Google Translate and it came back with “Fuck me, I am getting fired again!”  Pit bosses and supervisors from far away places came running.  Wing Woman #1 is HOWLING!  She has a bit of a unique laugh so everyone in surrounding areas knew something funny was going down, or some gigantic seagull was being tortured.  Needless to say, the good time on table 3 was done for the night.  What a scene!

Grub and Liquid Courage

People came by but I am not paying for drinks when we are getting shelled at the tables and all the entertainment we need is provided by the staff.  I wanted to get “W” a shot to calm him down but I didn’t get a chance to.  As we were about 1/3 through this slowest shoe ever, the butchered shoe loading from earlier came back to bite is in the ass.  The supervisor was called over when “W” kept taking out too many cards.  He had about 20 cards under the decks in the shoe.  Reshuffle was the verdict and that’s when we colored out.  Smell ya later “W”.

Overall

Goddamn is this thing long.  I will make my review quick.   Definitely one of the funniest nights I’ve had in a casino.  If skillful dealers, high class clientele and winning money is your bag, Tiverton is not for you.  But if you wanna have some laughs in a new smelling establishment, then by all means. 

Gordon Ramsey once said “I am surrounded by incompetence” and then shut the kitchen down and sent everyone packing for the night.  Tiverton’s management should do that with Matty Chan and “W” and any other dealer from that side of the floor that night.  This review is a little slanted as I could not possibly give Tiverton a fair shake after the complete mockery the dealers made of this particular Friday (we didn’t even talk about the delays at the cage – HEY BAG OF DICKS, OPEN ALL THE WINDOWS WHEN THE LINE IS 10 PEOPLE DEEP!!!!!

With all the deals they offer folks with a player card and being tied to Twin River, I will be back for sure  For now, I will judge on the initial experience…

Official Casino Guy Ranking: Two Pair – 6’s and 9’s – It is fun to get involved in and see from afar but up close a lot of holes are exposed that need some work.

(Ya’ll see what I did there?  Lol.)