If you have been around the game long enough, you see all types. Some stick out a little more than others. Casinos need these people. They make up the basic fabric of the gaming scene. They provide me with the more entertainment than Maximus Decimus Meridius. They are equal parts comedy fodder and frustrating enigma. I give to you…..wait for it….THE MOUNT RUSHMORE OF CASINO GAMBLERS!!! (Yelling it and having it echo in my house was far more effective that all caps. My bad.)
The Blue Hair
They come by bus. They come by monorail. They come travel with canes, walkers, Larks, anything to help them get closer to spending that Wednesday check. Typically relegated to the ole one arm bandits, our Blue Hairs will play anything to get their fix. And God love em. Most have had dedication to their craft that even makes yours truly jealous. With this amount of presumed free time, almost all of them get the best comps even if they play for a total of $.25 per spin. Leather assing for that long every day taking only a break hit the buffet or to redeem your bus’ ticket for a free pretzel at Auntie Annie’s is some true dedicated shit. Without the Blue Hairs, our favorite industry would crumble. Here is to you sweet old lady or belligerent drunk old man. I want you on that wall. I need you on that wall.
The Asian Guy (or Gal)
Yet another essential to industry. Casinos dedicate entire gaming floors to games that cater to our Asian friends. Many places work their floor plans to keep that feng shui energy positive for the astute Asian gamer. They brought us the term “Monkey” when looking for a face card (my personal favorite, makes my Wonder Bread ass feel a little bond with folks at the table when I drop a good “Monkey!”). They brought us ripping up the cards in Baccarat. Noodle Bars, Pai Gow Poker, the art of pointing/not saying words/slightly moving fingers to communicate to the dealers and the dealer knows what fuck they are talking about. What kind of Jedi mind shit is that? I know now it’s not Jedi powers. That’s over 3,000 years of civilized efficiency in gambling. Try watching one of our colleagues win big and celebrate with an electric smile and try not to giggle. I dare you.
This guy is entertainment personified. He overreacts at even the smallest deviation from “the book”. He wears outrageous bullshit at the power tables. He lines up and regrips the dice for 3 minutes in craps. He covers every number in roulette, not necessarily making any money when a number actually spikes. They Hardo is just as frustrating as he is a pleasure to sit back and watch. On one hand, I like to play what I play and how I play it. So no one best be stepping to my doorstep when it comes to my game play. On the other hand, I love a good douchebag on douchebag controversy at a table sometimes. Let the Hardo call people out on how to play. Let the Hardo take. His. Sweet. F’n. Time. To. Throw. The. Dice. And. Piss. All. The. Folks. Playing. The. Hop. And. Hard-way. Bets. Off. Let this jackass wear a hoodie and sunglasses indoors in July to try and get a leg up at the 1-2 Pot Limit Table. Sit back and watch a dink be a dink.
Can also be known as The Young Guy/Gal. This is where casinos made some good money. the Newbie will unfold their $40 in $5s and $10s out on a $25 table and not realize they are likely to get bounced faster than Archie Bunker at an Al Sharpton for President fundraiser (Badabing!). The Newbie pisses me off. The Newbie does all sorts of stupid shit. The Newbie, and his pack of followers who are equally as inept at gambling, aren’t going to bankrupt the place. They will probably something so mind-numbingly dumb that it will cost you money. The New Guy/Gal is needed. Without a New Guy/Gal we won’t have the next generation of gamblers to keep losing and funding new casino for me to visit. To watch the Big Bad Casino chew these donkeys up and spit them out is right up there for me when it comes entertainment value. Right next to surfing the web and finding the greatest music video of all time.
If you have a Mount Rushmore of Gamblers nomination, please send it along or leave em below in the comments section. Maybe your nomination can dethrone these legends of the game.